The Giant Mango
by mellacheena
Summary: It all started with a giant mango in the Hogwarts grounds, but ended in the death of Voldemort and a massive ego. Total crack that I wrote during a very boring religion lesson. Please enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.


**The Giant Mango**

Lunar Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter were sitting around the world's biggest mango, trying to figure out how to eat it. They began sitting around it hoping that would give them an idea on how to eat it.

Neville tripped over a cow which mooed angrily and stole Neville's wand. His face turned red with anger and he began chasing after the cow thief but gave up after tripping over several other cows who also mooed angrily and stole various other items from Neville.

He skateboarded back to the mango with tears running down his face. The others laughed at him and made jokes. Neville sat down on the ground and sulked as the others got bored and continued skipping around the mango.

"Does anybody know how to transform sticks into straws?" Asked Lunar in her far away voice.

"Ooh, I do!" Hermione replied, raising her hand as if she were in class.

"Goody! Everybody get a large stick each." Lunar instructed.

Everyone ran around on their hands, looking for a large stick. Every teenager came back with a meter and a half long sticks, except for Neville who could only find a leaf. They all stared at Neville, ashamed to know him.

"Anyways…" Harry said breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh! Yes!" Hermione chirped, going around and changing everyone's sticks into straws and Neville's leaf into a teaspoon.

"Now what do we do?" Ron asked, obviously clueless.

"Straw fight!" Yelled Harry, pointing his straw at Ron as if it were a sword. They began dueling with their straws but were stopped by Hermione.

"Stop, stop, stop! You are going to poke someone's eye out!" She nagged the boys. Ron had a déjà vu of his first year at Hogwarts, "They are not for childsplay! They are for sticking into the mango! Neville, give me your spoon!"

Neville whimpered and timidly handed the fuming Hermione his spoon. She snatched it from him and stalked over to the mango, stabbing it with the spoon. Juice oozed out of the small puncture in the mango's skin. She threw the spoon over her shoulder, hitting Neville on the head, before ramming her straw into the mango. Harry and Ron gasped in shock at the violent scene in front of them.

"What?" Hermione said, taking a sip of mango juice.

"You just killed a lady bug!" The two boys yelled at her as if she had just committed the worst crime in the world.

"So?" She replied, not understanding what the big deal was.

"You contaminated the mango!" Shouted Ron.

"And killed an innocent lady bug." Harry added in.

"That's okay. Lady bugs are a great source of trumblesimp." Lunar said, looking off into the distance.

Everyone stared at her blankly, wondering what trumblesimp could be. They shook their heads not really wanting to know. They all continued to ignore her strange comment and steal the off of Neville so they could all put their straws into the mango. Neville sat by himself as the others gathered around the mango with their straws and drank the juice.

"Let's play truth or dare!" Suggested Lunar.

"Yeah!" Everyone agreed, including Neville.

"No one asked you Neville," Ron said, "Now go back to Snape's dungeon and let him spank you!"

Neville did as he was told and began heading back towards the Hogwart's castle but didn't make it all the way because he fell over his spoon and hit his head on a stray rabbit which caused him to pass out. The teenagers laughed at Neville's fail, feeling slightly tipsy from the mango juice.

"Well now that's sorted, let's start!" Exclaimed Harry excitedly.

"You're first Harry!" said Lunar, "I dare you to kiss Hermione."

The girls giggled as Harry rubbed his hands together and Ron's face was so red it looked like he could explode. Harry left his straw and walked around to Hermione's side of the mango. Her pulled her into a full-on, tongues-down-throat kiss. Ron couldn't take it anymore and flew through the air to tackle Harry off of his girlfriend.

They rolled around on the ground, struggling against each other. They rolled over the edge of the hill and ended up near Hagrid's hut. The girls ignored the shouts and flashes of light and went on to talk about their plans for the weekend. Lunar was going to make chocolate muffins and hand out Quibblers. Hermione was going to go to the library and study.

"Avada Kedavra!" The girls heard Harry yell, seeing a flash of green light.

The girls looked at each other with frightened expressions and ran down the hill to Hagrid's hut.

They were greeted by the unexpected sight of Ron cowering behind Harry, Hagrid crying over an exploded pumpkin, and Voldemort lying motionlessly on the muddy ground a few feet away from Harry.

"Did you just do that!" Hermione asked Harry.

"Nope."

"But we heard your voice!"

"It wasn't me, Ron actually killed Voldemort but I felt left out so I avada kedavraed the pumpkin."

"Ron killed Voldemort?" Hermione stuttered in disbelief.

"Yep. Now he is just getting over the fact that he is in the presence of Voldemort. Guess he just has delayed reactions."

Everyone looked over to Ron who was trying to get into a non-existent elevator and press all the buttons. Ron gave up on that idea and began climbing to the top of trees, doing a King Kong impression instead.

"Such a shame, I did like that boy. Can someone please take him to my experimental dungeon?" Dumbledore requested calmly.

Everyone jumped at his sudden appearance, then turned away so they didn't have to look at him in his small pink bathrobe.

"Where did you come from, Sir?" Lunar asked as if she were actually interested.

"Well, you see Lunar, when a mummy witch and a daddy wizard love each other very much-" Began Dumbledore.

"No, not that Sir! I meant just before you appeared here!"

"Oh ok!" Dumbledore chuckled merrily, "I thought you didn't know how babies are made…Anyway, I was taking a bath in the black lake and having a wonderful tea party with the merpeople when I saw flashes of light above the water's surface. Ooh, fireworks! I had thought so I went to the surface only to hear shouts and see flashes of light. That's when I got out of they lake and out on the first robe I could find and then ran here! But quite clearly I missed the best bit," he gestured towards Voldemort's dead body, "I must say, good job Harry my boy!"

At that moment Ron dropped from a tree, right in front of Dumbledore, and got up in his face.

"I killed Voldemort! Not Harry! Me! It was all me! Everyone thinks I'm a wimpy ranga that can't do anything, but I killed him!"

Ron ran away, laughing manically, and climbed onto the roof of Hagrid's hut but feel through because the straw was not strong enough to hold his weight. The air was silent as the group watched to see what would happen next when the silence was suddenly broken by a blood curdling howl. Professor Lupin in his werewolf form burst through the trees and crashed into Hagrid's, now demolished, hut.

"Ooh! A puppy!" Ron squealed as Lupin latched onto his leg and dragged him back into the forest.

"Well there is one less problem in the school now." Dumbledore said enthusiastically.

"We should have a celebration." Said Lunar airily.

They all agreed and went back to the mango, leaving Voldemort's dead body behind, and drank its juice and danced in the moonlight.

Now that Voldemort had been wiped out, and the strange little boy who did it had been mauled by a werewolf in his insane state, Harry could cast a mind charm on all those who had witnessed the fall of Voldemort and take all the glory for himself.

The daily prophet were all over Harry's case and sent Rita Skeeta, who was already quite close to Harry, to investigate the news. Harry became the legend that he thought he was but was unfortunately killed when he was hit by the Hogwarts Express while running down the train tracks, bragging about killing Voldemort.


End file.
